Forgiveness is one of the most famous sermons preached in different Churches. Yet, not everyone can easily forgive others. Forgiving and moving on are hard things to do.
Especially when it comes to forgiving the people who abused you, it requires a lot of courage, strength, and supernatural ability.
And for young adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, it’s even more challenging because you are unaware that you got hurt until later on in life. The second you started to face the aftermath of what happened to you, all you could think about was the anger and bitterness you had in you.
So how can adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse reach a place where forgiving and moving on is an option for them? Today, we will be talking about the few steps to get there.
Table of contents
Questions we ask ourselves
How can you start forgiving the person or people who ruined your childhood? Do you feel ready for it, or do you often focus on trying to get even with them instead?
Maybe you often tell yourself:
“I was just an innocent kid. I knew nothing about life. How can I forgive that person? Do you have any idea of how much pain and suffering I still go through because of them? There is no way I could ever forgive them.”
If you sometimes feel this way, please be reassured that you are not alone. Thousands of people are going through the same thing worldwide. And yes, you can forgive those who hurt you with God’s help.
What it means to forgive someone
According to The Flourishing Way, their definition is:
Forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for (an offense, flaw, or mistake).
However, we see that the Bible gives us a different meaning. It says that forgiveness is not an emotion but a commandment from God instead.
"Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
-Colossians 3:13 NLT
As you can see in this verse, we learn that we must forgive anyone who offended us. And the only better way to do so is by making intentional choices.
You can forgive those who hurt you one step at a time. So, the best way to learn forgiveness’s meaning in detail is to learn its opposite first.
Unforgiveness characteristics
- It’s like drinking poison, hoping the person who hurt you dies instead.
- Deciding to let go of the offense, however, you still meditate on the wrongs they have done to you. For years, bitterness keeps welling up from within you.
- Often, it feels like having an infected wound, yet you refuse to go to the hospital for treatment.
- Also, it is when you shut down and isolate yourself because you are worried that you may get hurt again. As a result, you start building walls around you to keep others away.
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Forgiveness characteristics
- It is the key to greater intimacy with God.
- You intentionally choose to release those who hurt you out of that painful room of your heart.
- As you forgive, you are supposed to bless them along the way, even if you don’t feel like it.
- You sheltered that room for so many years. Now you are getting the courage to open up and let God eliminate all the yucky stuff hidden there.
- It’s an ongoing intentional decision. This means each time you may feel bitterness and anger welling up within you, forgive them again. Over and over again.
“The forgiving and Moving on“ process is effective if:
- You acknowledge that you are not perfect, either. Sometimes, you do offend others, too.
- Also, face the reality that it’s not easy. Forgiving somebody requires a lot of work and time.
- Don’t bring up the offense when you already forgive someone. Try not to bring it back up, meditate on it, or allow it to cause you pain anymore.
Steps to take after you forgive someone
- Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. The issue is that chances are you may not be the only victim of your abuser/perpetrator. According to Healthline, there’s a lot of research showing that abusers often don’t just abuse once. For safety reasons, do not attempt to affront your abuser without any witness or law enforcement.
- Even if you forgive them, it does not necessarily mean all the emotional wounds caused by them suddenly disappear. The healing journey does take time.
- When you decide to forgive, you don’t need to tell them. One, for safety reasons, it’s better to avoid that mistake. Second, the abuser might deny right in your face that those abuses never happened.
- As you go through this process, no one else needs to know about it. Let the process happen between you and the LORD first.
- Open up to Him, and tell Him how the situation makes you feel. All the frustration and hurt you might be experiencing. Leave nothing behind! He is your comforter, healer, and friend. He will guide you throughout the whole process.
- Feel free to tell Him all the ugly details regarding that incident—the ones you would not tell anybody. God is a good listener and will walk you through the entire journey.
See if your local Church offers groups that deal with trauma and abuse. Christian groups such as Mending the Soul. These groups are a safe place where you get to understand more about what happened to you. Also, you get to meet people navigating the same challenges as you.
Note: If you are interested in learning more about how “God will give you back what you lost.” I wrote an article about God’s restoration.
An illustration of how a forgiveness prayer should sound like
You could use this short story as an example of how to pray for those who abused you. It’s a story of a Website Designer stabbed in the back by his coworker.
Fortunately, he could forgive him completely because he understood that doing so was the right choice.
We will call our two Website Designers, Timothy and John. So Timothy was working on a project for their Company. The project was the perfect opportunity that could grant him the promotion he was hoping for.
Unfortunately, John, the coworker, deliberately sabotaged Timothy’s work. As a result, Timothy’s work project was taken away from him and assigned to John.
Timothy was devastated by this unfair situation because he had no evidence that could prove John’s involvement. Although he felt like seeking revenge, he chose to forgive John instead.
He remembered a Bible verse from the book of Matthew when Jesus told Peter how many times we should forgive someone.
"Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!"
Matthew 18:21-22 NLT
When Timothy got home, he spent some time in prayer as he was still processing what had happened earlier.
His prayer went like this:
“Father God, I am so upset about what happened earlier. John deliberately ruined my work project.
LORD, You know how much I sacrificed myself for this Company. And yet I get stabbed in the back over and over again.
That project was the perfect opportunity for my promotion. Although things are not going as expected, I thank You for all the years I worked for the Company.
So today, even though my emotions are whispering hundreds of different ways I could get even with John, I am choosing to forgive him instead of getting even because I understand that forgiving and moving on is the right thing to do.
May everything You placed in his hands multiply a hundred times for Your Kingdom purpose. Watch over his family and everything he owns.
I am willing to give up that project if this is Your will. Your Word says that Your plan for me is for good, not evil. While I wait for You to give me another opportunity, may You heal my heart.
Again, I forgive John. And I bless him in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen!
Daily steps to follow as you learn how to forgive
- Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the anger you still have towards those who hurt you, talk to God about it. The Holy Spirit will give you the power, ability, and words to use. Make it your daily assignment, regardless of your emotions.
- As you do this, sometimes it might feel like removing broken glasses from an open wound and pouring alcohol on it. It feels painful but worth it, and this will help speed up the healing process.
- When you feel like some people don’t deserve your forgiveness, ask the Holy Spirit to remind you of one or two people who might think the same thing about you. This step will teach you humility because you also offend others willingly or unwillingly.
- Study the Bible on this topic regularly. The good news is it will change your mindset on this matter moving forward.
- Ask God to soften your heart, and help you understand why forgiving and moving on is essential. Because His Word says:
"And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart" Ezekiel 11:19 NLT.
- Pray for them as often as you can. It doesn’t have to be a long prayer. It could be something similar to Timothy’s prayer.
- Privately repent to God for anything you thought about, said, or did that didn’t bring glory to God’s name.
- Forgive yourself as well because it is as much important as forgiving others.
- Pray that the LORD will mend your heart. He is the only person who understands all of your brokenness.
- As you trust this process, you will see your life turning around one day at a time.
Let’s resume what we talked about today.
We saw that forgiveness is not a feeling but a commandment. All of us are required to forgive those who hurt us.
Forgiving and moving on are so important for your spiritual growth. You could follow a few steps as you walk on this journey. And always remember that you are not alone.
Feel free to leave a comment below if you have any questions. I will be happy to answer your questions as much as I can.
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